


No title diary

by Kinbaku



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorders, Family Issues, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 05:14:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28986936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kinbaku/pseuds/Kinbaku
Summary: I'm writting a sort of diary. It'll very probably go absolutely nowhere and is sure to be boring and useless as hell. I'm suffering from depression and eating disorders and I need to feel acountable in one way or another cause I keep failing on my promises to stop vent my stress through cookies. I know it sounds stupid, futile and pointless, but I'm experiencing more and more health issues due to my stress eating and I guess this, is something I didnt try yet so why not?I don't expect anyone to read this, I just feel like as long as this is online and open access I will have to be honest with that shit (I also tend to swear a lot and won't be able to cut it down). English is not even my mother tongue but spending time reading fics here help me easing my mind, plus I also eventually want to post something - I mean a real fic. I'm using English cause it feels easier doing so, even if my grammar is still a WIP-thing.Anyway, let's try it.





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> _On eating disorders:_  
>  I mainly suffer from hyperphagia (or binge-eating disorder) but I've experienced other types like orthorexia and anorexia. Eating with people can also be difficult to process and I tend to avoid it very often.  
> However, I've never been underweight. My body only knows 'healthy', 'a bit overweight' or 'fat'. I will not report on my weight as I believe focusing on weight is mainly pointless, especially in my case. I don't care about the actual number or if I look slim enough for aesthetic canon. What I care about is not being sick after dinner because I had a crisis, and being able to do as much sport as I want without suffering because my body won't budge.  
> I'm very aware that eating disorder is just the consequence of my poor mental health. I want to work on that and I need to find a way to regulate my stress. I know cutting off binge-eating might result in having other problem to deal with if I can't get to handle my angst. It happened before. That's why I'm gonna write on what's going wrong and why. I'm not going to talk much about food.  
> I have no intention to promote any diet and if I had one recommendation to make, it is that people should try to eat healthy homemade food as often as they can. And listen to their body. Everyone is different, there's no sacred rules on how to deal with our meals.

_This is an introduction. It can be skipped._

So. I'm trying to get my shit together.

I'm depressive and fucking lost. Last time I had proper sleep was in 2019. I got so fat that I'm now experiencing several health issues directly linked to my excessive weight. I don't feel able to talk to my friends anymore, I don't even want to see or interact with anyone irl. I have family issues, daddy's issues, so many issues it would be too long and boring to actually make a list. I feel like I've been digging my own grave for so long, there's no way coming back.

Or maybe there's one. Actually I want to think there're many. Media-driven consumer capitalism wants to make sure we only see one way, their way. So I won't back up the 'one way' tale. Let's just say now feels like as right as any other time for sorting things. I hope it is.

**Why am I posting on AO3?**

\- I have something like 10 drafts of pieces of fics that I want to work on and I know writting fics will help me getting better. I'm planning on using this diary to report progress and question my work, main issue being that I suck at setting a proper storyline while I'm pretty good at relating feelings and moods. As a result, this diary will be connected to the fics I intend to post sooner or later and will comport some writting theme.

\- This ranting might eventually become writing material.  
\- I really need this diary to be public so that I'll feel owed to it. This isn't the first time I'm trying the diary thing and the previous private and undisclosed one stoped too soon and ended up on the scrap heap of my phone history.  
\- I love the place and already spend huge amount of time reading fics here.  
\- I guess depression, anxiety, poor social skills and eating disorder are common issues and, even if I'm not sure how or why, someone might consider my venting useful. More likely would feel the need to share opinion or story about similar issues. I will enjoy that, having any sort of exchange between strangers struggling (or not) with comparable matter.  
Therefore, it would obviously help a bit if I get even just one reader. But I'm not expecting too much. One thing life told me: you should never get too much expectations.

**How am I going to post?**

This is sort of a therapy, meaning I cannot set a form that would be too restrictive. My first and main issue right now is the eating disorder one. Almost every night, but sometime during daytime too, I got those hyperphagia phases while I eat like crazy and stuff myself with shit. I need to end this. Hence, I intend to report everyday about the previous one and the non-happening (hopefully) of those crisis. I also need to speak about the others issues. To make it readable, I'll try to set a theme as often as possible. But free stuffs and boring daily routine should pop up eventually.

As a start, I'll write daily. Maybe 5 times a week cause shit always happen. Even if I'm basically a grumpy groundhog, I still have to do some stuffs and I might skip some days. But I can easily report two days in a row in one post.  
I'll try to develop one idea a day. I'll probably edit this chapter later - summary and tags too, according to how this all thing is going.


	2. Death

I have no death wish.

I haven’t had any for a long time, years that actually turned to decades. It’s a blessing. Life is hard, people are struggling, and a few contemplate ending their own life a valid alternative. Some won’t do it but will think about it a lot. Or a bit.

I don’t: I’m lucky.

It doesn’t mean I’m unfamiliar with death. We see each other, we talk. We had a couple of past meetings and she was well-mannered. She greeted from far, only took gray-haired kith and kin.

She has changed. A year ago, she tried and succeeded in deepen our relationship. It crushed me cause I didn’t expect any of it. That’s the sad part of the story. I have grieved, licked the wounds and what’s eventually left is her unexpected tryst. Like the lost was terrible but I cannot recover from being startled. How fucked up am I?

I feel like a hollow (yeah, I’m definitely introducing myself in the Bleach fandom). Sluggishly drifting between worlds, I crave to quench my soul in midst all the living who can’t seem to see me anymore. I don’t feel like I belong to their world, even if I bear no actual intention of leaving it. I’m just staying aside, waiting and waiting, but I don’t know what I’m hoping for. It could be nothing. Problem is, with such a state of mind, I don’t feel alive either, while I don’t want yet to be part of the realm of the dead.

Then, where am I?

_**About yesterday** (that part can clearly be skipped, it’s gross and clearly insipid):_

_I was busy in the morning, lazy in the afternoon. Could only eat vegetables at noon cause I still felt full of the junk I ate the night before. Dinner was ok and I wrote the diary’s introduction part right after. It took more time than I thought. I stopped around 10:30 and suddenly crave for sweet thing. Very suddenly but such an intense thirst. Still, I managed to avoid binge-eating as I:_

_\- didn’t want to report failing on the very first day._

_\- had three cups of herbal tea to quell the desperate need to turn my stomach into a balloon._

_\- clearly destroyed my left index nail out of stress._

_It’s fine. Only regret is that even when I tried hard to sort out ideas, I couldn’t get what triggered me. Well, at least I got through it._


	3. Nanny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few things about Nanny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really tired so I'll get back on the subject somewhere like next week.

I love her.

She’s a tiny lady who gave away all her strengths throughout her life to make damn sure her kin would be happily fed and fulfilled. She used to take such a good care of me. I was first-born among grand-children, I’ve always been the most cherished.

She’s fading. Body, soul and mind shrinking until she’ll vanish into thin air. There’s nothing I can do to overturn the process. At best, I may halt it for a while. Honestly, I’m not so effective. But I’m trying.

_About yesterday:_

_It was my last dinner at Nanny’s (before I'll come back) she’s been asking for crêpes for a while now and we did some._

_Some..._

_Have you ever prepped meal with your grandmother? She always makes three times more than needed. That’s her generation-thing, right, those people grew-up during wartime, something about scarcity went deep into their bones, lingered on, a couple of years serving as paradigm still eighty years later. Well, guess we weren’t there._

_Anyway, I got a bit wild on the crêpes. Like I can’t really call it a crisis, it was a proper meal at dinner time with her and I didn’t came back after hours sneaking for more to fulfill anxiety issues (happened before). But, I definitely had more than reasonable. So let’s keep in mind it shouldn’t become a pattern._


	4. Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> About friends and me disappearing

I’m willingly losing them. Purposefully one after another by not returning their calls, ignoring their messages and taking a rain check on meeting offers. I almost physically can’t take it to make the required efforts to listen and care, laziness added making sure I actually won’t. I’ve been drained from social skills and abilities to behave in public at such an extend I don’t recognise myself anymore. I don’t know what to say, what to do in front of them. I’m being stressed of getting scrutinise to the point I’m wondering if this is me becoming autistic. I mean, some kin are so I could too? But this starts from childhood, right? I cannot turn autistic in my twenties? Is this me looking for excuses?

I used to be a good friend. Not perfect for sure, but I was there when you needed me. The kind who’s going to the drugstore for you, then wait just across the bathroom’s door while you pee on a fucking test, telling you ridiculous stories involving baby’s name. The one that stay late to be sure you’re ok and said six times she’ll be there no matter your choice. Cause it’s your choice and no one should decide for you.

I’m not there no more. I’m drifting away. People are growing-up and I keep telling myself there’re fine. It used to be harder, right? Being an adult shouldn’t suck so they must be alright. They don’t need me, I don’t think my disappearance will be an issue.

That’s a great lie.

_About yesterday:_

_Such a busy-bee I was... I didn’t had a fantastic but a fine night, leaving me able to perform numerous menial tasks before leaving Nanny’s. Which was good, I’ve recently been fucking sleep-deprived and literally worn out to the point I barely could achieve a task a day. I left later than expected and had two bananas and some milk tea in the train going back from her place, which set the first proper meal around 8pm. Read a bit, went to sleep, once again woke up 3 hours later. At 5am I was bored and hungry, I went for two packs of instant noodles. Is this a crisis? Was definitely not binge-eating but also not the smartest nor healthiest choice. All in all, that day wasn’t carried out the best way possible. I clearly need better time management._


	5. Mother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On how special I’m not.

I heard mother on a meeting. She’s working from home. Was actually not the first time recently that I get to see what she’s obviously been doing for years in her office. That’s how I figured out a massive amount of her time is in fact spent on checking, sorting and choosing the proper words on some reports or PowerPoint presentations. She’s like 55yo, get pretty good pay and I never could have imagine she’d be doing something so much similar to what I was doing during my master degree’s internship. Of course her reports might be read by more people with more important job but still. She’s fucking picking words! Damn it. I really though she’s doing more important and difficult stuff. I don’t even feel like it would be such a hard task to do it for her, while I know nothing about that sector. That’s weird. It leaves a sour impression. I really keep on being disappointed by all that adults’ world.

Anyway, what hurts quite a lot is listening to her and judging she’s not that good. Like she’s not very efficient. She often spend too many time on pondering between synonyms for what’s clearly not even a major sentence. Well, we could say: the fuck, who cares? Not my employee, not my time or money. She gets payed for this, that’s nice so let it be.

But. But I’m so much alike. I’ve lost countless hours doing similar tiny stupid adjustments because I couldn’t stand the sentences I wrote not to look perfect, at least to me. And it’s a fucking mistake! It literally prevented me from graduating. Cause between handing out on time something good or even average, or being late with a stupid perfect paper, guess what did I choose?

I know I’m wrong acting like this, I know it’sdoing wrong to me. It was already immensely painful to acknowledge it. But at least, it was me. A dumb part of me. Now that I’m aware I’m just unconsciously copying her behaviour, I feel ripped from my individuality on such a level, there’s nothing left. My flaws don’t even belong to me. If I can’t even possess my weaknesses, what’s left then? I’m absolutely and utterly empty. I’m a hollow shell. A hollow.  
  


_**About yesterday** (and the days before) :_

_No crisis. No real crisis. I cannot say I had the best diet ever during the last few days but I previously set pretty low standard for this shit. We know what a binge-eating crisis is. And there was none._

_A friend big surprise birthday party has been scheduled on Saturday night and I volunteered to make some of the food (mainly cause I didn’t want to have to organise anything else and having to interact with people). I spent Friday night on making pies. Didn’t had a lot of sleep but no crisis. Was clearly too busy for that. The birthday was ok. Not the best party ever but I attended it. I said things I already regret, I (beware for next words to be fucking gross) literally ripped my nails out out of stress while talking to people. Still, I kind of behaved. And stayed until the end because that’s what was expected from me even if I was dying out of exhaustion. Nothing to report about Sunday nor Monday (apart from probably too many carbs). The only reason I didn’t post before was that I’m still burned out form tiredness. I still am actually. Fucking worn out._


	6. Consumerism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buying stuff for no good reason.

When I was 18yo (or around) I used to buy a shit ton of things. Clothes mainly, but also make-up, candles, stuff for my room and gifts for others. I was so into buying. I didn’t see how wrong it could be, I just wanted more. I also was sensitive to the fact that spending my nights online looking for the best deals and best products were preventing me from binge-eating. I didn’t willingly resolve on binge-shopping instead of binge-eating, it just happened along with some other change in my life. After a while nonetheless (I was clearly informed of how much I spent and how indecent it was compared to what my friends did) I realized I wasn’t binge-eating so much anymore. So I clearly knew about the shift. But it didn’t bother me. I kept on buying. Buying. Buying.

Filling myself.

If you wonder how a 18yo-teen could buy so much, don’t get crazy ideas: I’m not that rich. To be fair, I’m middle class (well, at least my parents are ‘cause now that I’m older I probably fit with the poor, at least according to my tax bracket, even if it doesn’t feel like that much of a burden — I learnt to be happy with less).

Anyway, I was just spending birthday and tip money, the savings I got from summer jobs and sometimes, yeah terrible, I used my mother credit card.

Nevertheless, I’m mainly done doing that. Nowadays I only go shopping for clothes when I actually need some. I try to borrow things I won’t use more than once. I always start looking in second-hand shop first. And I try to give away as much as I can, to family, friends and people in need. Letting go of my stuffs had become an entire goal for a couple of years now, and honestly, I’m fucking struggling.

Cause for 2 to 3 years from now, I’ve been torn between two wills: a dream of building my own house, something like a huge farm (but only with chickens!) where I could host family and friends, meaning this house would be filled with like the proper stuff to host everyone; with the other dream being to let go almost everything I own to focus on the necessary only and be completely aware of what and where all my belongings are, cause they would be very few.

I can’t let go of any of those two ideas, even if I know how stupid it is to dream about filling an entire home that doesn’t even exist with appliance “just in case” someone would need it (that someone being a potential human being too, I’m so far from having my own family).

Well, I guess the main point is: I’ve always feel empty and I’m desperately trying to fill the void for years.

_**About yesterday** (and the days before):_

_\- (Three days ago) I did some job hunting in the morning then watched Bonding season 2 on Netflix. I should be proud cause I felt like eating non-sense while staying in bed and I ended up having a normal dinner at the table in the kitchen. Secret was that I focused on having only salted food that I fully enjoy. And tons of herbal tea, as always. I had a pretty good night, which make 2 good in a row. Nice_

_\- Next day, I made a pretty dumb call for someone with sleeping issue. I went to bed at 8:30 because I felt really tired, while my usual time is after midnight. Guess who woke up 3h later? Yup. Another upside-down night. Stupid, stupid, stupid._

_\- The day after (actual yesterday) I had a small crisis. I’d say it’s probably linked to the job interview I was having next day. It’s no big deal matter-of-factly but I need the money — and probably the occupation and the constraint too. I stopped halfway of the chocolate bar as I was reading a fic where the characters were desperate about keeping control of their emotions (anger and jealousy but still) and it made me want to have control over my body too so I suddenly stopped eating. It’s nice. When I started this diary, I never expected to be successful every night in preventing myself so it’s ok to fail. It’s even more acceptable when you, 1) got able to track down the source of your angst, 2) managed to stop before it gone completely wild. We just need to focus on not having another one soon._


End file.
